He's Not Really Gone
by Emerald-Leaves
Summary: McCoy's thoughts as he watched Spock die. Takes place in Wrath of Khan


**He's Not Really Gone**

**Author's Note: **I don't own any of these characters, I'm just using them right now because my imagination's acting up again. I'm not making any money off of this. These characters are the brain children of Gene Roddenberry.

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I have seen all kinds of horrors in my life as a doctor. Why, I've seen men blown apart, seen men burned to death, seen them vaporized, seen them stabbed, shot, strangled, eaten, poisoned…but this? Even after all this time, I'm not sure anything prepared me for this. There have been many things in my life that I've never been too sure about, nothing's ever really seemed stable to me. Traveling all around through space does that to a man, I think; makes him wary of staying put too long, keeps him on his toes waiting for change. But this?

I've seen men's faces when they go; some go terrified, some in agony, there are those that go quietly, those that die like cowards, liars, cheaters, those that _deserved _to die, and those that didn't… _he _certainly didn't!

I watched him as he walked determinedly over to the chamber. I stepped before him, tried to stop him. "You're _not _going in there!" My voice had been a command. He was insane, it was suicidal to go into that chamber. It was flooded with radiation! He knew that! We all knew that!

He seemed to relent to _my _logic and I had thought I had won. That was my first mistake. I had seen that look in his eyes plenty of times to know that he was determined. He was a stubborn being, and I should have remembered that. But instead, what did I do? I let him distract me for a moment. Damn my feelings all to hell! I should have seen that it was a trick! I should have _known _he would not be stopped so easily.

He took care of me, had me sitting in a stupor, not remembering which way was up or down. It was only when I heard someone pounding on the glass that I came back to my senses. When I looked up, I was confused, unfocused, like I had just woken up form a terrible dream and a hangover. When I looked over, my blood ran cold…_he _had gone in.

I remember rushing to the glass, pounding my fists on it, screaming at him to get out of there, that he'd kill himself. Even as I said these things, it felt like I _could _feel the radiation he was feeling; that I _was _in pain… So I screamed louder, begged him to get out while he still could. If he'd have listened to me then, I _could _have still saved him. I am a pretty good doctor; I _could _have saved him then! I know it!

But he did not listen to me or anyone else. He ignored us and went about his task. He opened the valve and allowed more radiation and heat to flood the compartment. I have seen many different things in my life, but I have never seen a person so stoically give up their life like that. Not even after all my long years in Star Fleet. It was like he didn't even care! It was like he had nothing else to live for! I remember being so angry at him, so furiously upset I thought I was going to break the glass with all my pounding. Damn selfish man! Did he really think that no one would miss him when he'd be gone? Damn foolish assumption!

Yet, even while my mind was in turmoil, as I pleaded for him to get out, there was something…there…something telling me that what he was doing was logical, that it had to be done. After all, he was trying to save an entire ship, and it was logical to try and protect others, wasn't it? The needs of the many…

I was sick to my stomach. I thought I'd get sick all over the floor when it happened. The ship leaped to life, and I knew then that we had warp speed. The whole ship jumped forward and I had to hold on lest I fall.

When I looked back, my blood froze in my veins. _He _had fallen. He was sitting deathly still on the floor. He had fallen when the ship had gone into warp. My head began to pound painfully and I was suddenly assaulted with all my memories of him; how we would bicker and banter, how he would always come up with the _logical _solutions to everything, all the missions we had served together…

Without realizing it, I had fallen to my knees, tears streaming down my face shamelessly. I was numb; I couldn't feel my face. My head felt as though it had been split open with an axe. How? How could this have happened? _He _was not supposed to die! He _always _had some sort of trick up his sleeve! No! No, he couldn't really be dead, not _him!_

"Doctor?"

Someone touched me on the shoulder, but I don't remember who. I stood up, and walked over to the controls. I do not recall exactly what I said, but I remember telling the admiral to come down fast. I do not know why I did though. There was no hope that anyone could have survived that radiation blast…and yet something within me told me that _he_ was still alive…even if just barely. I wanted the admiral to come down…so _he_ could say goodbye.

A minute later, the admiral did come, and he ran to the chamber. My mind screamed at me to stop him. "No, Jim! No!" I cried. "You'll flood the whole compartment!" I had to stop the admiral. I could not lose him too! Good God, I could not lose Jim too!

I let go once Jim was somewhat settled, and I watch as he walks over to peer into the glass. So it had not been a dream, Jim saw it too, he saw that _he _was dead. I blanch.

Suddenly, _he _moves. Dear God, _he_ stood up! With all the stubbornness still within that broken, sick body, _he _moved closer…closer to say goodbye. My heart broke.

I listen as _he_ says his last words; I watch as _he_ draws his last breath; I cry when _he_ moves no more. My head exploded in pain, and it is then that I know the Vulcan will never move again. _He_ was dead. Lord, Spock is dead! And now I must live with the guilt that I could have stopped it!

I go to my quarters later, and I weep like a little child, convincing myself that he's not really gone…

'**Nother Author's Note: **This is of course McCoy's thought s when Spock dies. (Always thought they focused a bit too much on Kirk here considering McCoy watched the Vulcan die) All the italicized "_he_" s of course refer to Spock. When McCoy's head hurts, that's kinda my way of saying the _katra_'s kicking in.

I have absolutely no idea why I'm writing this now. I guess to celebrate being done with finals…weird considering this is sad…but I'm on a Star Trek kick again at the moment, and I guess I really want to watch _Wrath of Khan._ Do let me know what you think, and please no flames, like usual. Thanks!


End file.
